phoenix rising
On the last night of my chemo, Michael showed up wearing a lime green motocross jersey, sunglass (indoors), gym shorts, and about six golden chains. He joined me in the last hurrah of pranking my nurses. I had some accomplices in the past: like the time we smeared chocolate on the toilet seat and called in the nurse. Or when I pretended to comb my “hair” when the nurse came in. The healing within the comic is a consistent theme in my story.
Then on May 28th, 2011 at about 6 AM, after sitting up all night excitedly after an evening of hysterical shenanigans, I was released from Children’s Hospital for the last time. We tore out of there like the last day of school and blissfully drove home in his sunfire with the windows down and music blasted. One might think I’d go to sleep once home, but no, I organized my room in the basement all day, as that signified the beginning of my life without cancer at age 20.
It was a burst out of the isolating hospital structure into a reinvigorated desire within communicative life. I mean a lot more by that, but it is all quite technical—to be addressed in later, more intricate writing (Part II on Illness Terrain).
Turns out, a couple amazon purchases marked a significant turning point in the midst of that 2011 chemo span. With a few clicks, I ordered a pair of sneakers I planned to wear when working back to playing shape and some Livestrong Oakley’s to be worn on the field. When making the purchase, I certainly felt empowered, but I didn’t realize the deeper symbolism at the time.
In The Wounded Storyteller, Arthur Frank mentions a man whose illness depleted any desire to get his teeth cleaned or buy new shoes. To him, there was no point—the illness made his aesthetic appearance irrelevant. Here, he quotes Anatole Broyard’s description of critical illness “like a great permission” (39). This is what my Amazon purchases represented: I no longer wanted that permissive shield from society; the shift from going out into public wearing sweatpants to loving myself began: “I think that only by insisting on your style can you keep from falling out of love with yourself as the illness attempts to diminish or disfigure you” (39)
That summer was the start of a snowball-effect of positivity. It’s amazing the way the law-of attraction can work sometimes, resulting in one good event opening doors to another. That summer I lived with so much enthusiasm and joy; I was extremely happy. I tried to live life the best that I could; even brushing my teeth was done with a zestful spirit—with a groovy tune guiding the rhythm—and that stemmed into everything I did. I insisted on my style, even with no hair and remnant sores. It was easy to live with happiness under such conditions. Now the challenge is to live this way within all of the involvements and the issues that come along with life.
This period was also the beginning of my relationship with the guitar, oh, the sweet six string. Being sick sort of led me to this beautiful instrument. One day a musical therapist named Nicole Steele came to see me in my room. Nicole was an interesting woman, super nice and a linebacker for the Pittsburgh Women’s Arena Football team. She told me she came to sing me a song and asked me about myself, and I shared with her how much I’d like to be able to play the guitar. Right away she told me she could teach me, so she introduced me to the instrument and gave me a hospital guitar to mess around with. Not long after, my mother got me a guitar for Christmas. As I opened the thing, I was pumped because the case had an illustration of a pretty rad guitar, wood finish and all. However when I took a closer look at what was actually within the case, I notice it was this dinky pink children’s guitar with a floral swirl design across it. I wasn’t sure if it was a joke or not. I love my sweetheart mother; she is a saint. Anyhow, I bring this beauty with me to the hospital the next time I went, and showed it to Nicole. She offered to trade me the little pink piece for a more fitting acoustic guitar with a wood finish. It wasn’t anything especially advanced, but it was great to get started with. While I play sweet Alvarez acoustic these days I still keep “Chemosabi” Chemo for short, as Cody Trinch and I dubbed it, safe and sound at home. Cody is another profound influence in my life, as I have some things to share about this fella after I continue telling you about my love for music and the way the guitar changed things.
Now, I enjoy playing just about every day, and have developed a much deeper appreciation of what it takes to make great music. I can actually play along with other guitars and/or singers these days, but I still have a lot to learn. I’ve had some good times playing with some of my friends at Thiel. Dana, the sister of one of my favorite people on earth, Lainey Liotta, helped me learn how to play. Her and I have played many songs together. She is incredibly talented, as she took second in our town singing competition called taste of talent as a 16 year old girl summer of ‘13. Anyhow, getting into a song with someone who sings beautifully brings the music alive and it becomes such a rush to be a part of.
Heading into this summer I had one major thing in my sights: to return to Thiel, this was a dream of mine through chemo. What I wouldn’t do to be back there having fun with my friends, flourishing, strong, heading to Florida to play baseball in the cold months. By all means, I was determined to do this, especially playing ball again.
Baseball has always been a passion in my life. Upon diagnosis, I was told I probably wouldn’t play college baseball again as a result of the graft taken from my fibula. I attempted to work in physical therapy to rebuild my leg during chemo. I ended up having to cut off the physical therapy as it proved to be excessively miserably. I would steal off to the bathroom in the middle of sets to vomit. Working out was excessively draining because the body just doesn’t recover when all your systems are poisoned and slowed that way. At one point, it became a battle of wills to get up, up, up instead of wasting away in bed everyday. That’s so important to the healing process, you can’t spend all your time stagnant; it’s important to get the systems pumping with some bloodflow and energy engagement.
After I finished chemo in May 2011, though, I slowly began working toward playing shape. Dave Draveky was a huge inspiration for me going into my rehabilitation that summer. In his book, Comeback, he talked about busting his ass so hard at physical therapy that he would come home exhausted. Hence, that’s what I shot for. I worked myself so hard in that pool as well as with all the dry land exercises, I would leave that place sweaty and exhausted. Then I would head home, regroup, have some lunch and relax a bit. Home is such a serene place mid-day in the summer time—the quiet seclusion surrounded by shades of earthy green and sky blue. Much of that chill-time was spent with Michael, as this was our last summer at home together before he went off to college. It’s funny because we behaved similar to the way we did when we were little, meandering around in the woods, naming rocks and tree’s as if they were our nature friends. We sort of gravitated toward each other on a daily basis, enjoying the Hart compound and each other’s company to the fullest.
Once I felt fully recovered, early afternoon, I would head to the field to meet Cody and Clayton. I still had keys from coaching JV baseball that spring, so we would get some drill work in the remarkable indoor batting cage behind the field that Tom—Cody’s Dad—built in 2009. After we got our swings in tune, we headed to the field to ball out on some live bp. There was no substitute for batting practice on the field. After two or three buckets, we headed into the weight room at the high school and lifted, trying to follow the workouts Schaly sent us in the summer. After lifting, we would run either on the field or around the school. Finally, we would have a swim, a "team meeting", or both.
I kept track of my progressions in a daily log:
Day 1 5/28- got home today. Stomach is pretty yucked up, and my feet hurt like hell but that doesn’t bother me. Things are going to be glorious; hasn’t really set in yet.
Day 2 5/29- woke up after a long, deep, much need sleep. Both stomach and feet slightly improved but still present. Feels like I’m going uphill a bit. Heat is kicking my ass. But again, im all smiles baby.
Day 3 5/30 slightly increased energy. Still had to scale back my planned regimen. Feet sore hardly present but stomach still oozy. Starting to lose swagger. Recollect.
Day 4 5/31 feet no longer an issue. Puked In morning. Notice healthy, tan skin. Put in a nice, full day of training. Dead at end. Ran mile after umpiring in heat, rough
Day 5 6/1 rough morning, 5 hrs of sleep. Very sore from yesterday, sore throat from puking, very tired. Really hit a wall today, backed off a bit, back to full gear tomorrow. LETS GO
Day 6 6/2 felt so much better after backing off yesterday, nice breakfast, trial bike ride, legs still not recovered from run, no more morning sickness. umpire
Day 7, 8,9 6/3, 4, 5- weekend—unrecorded
Day 10 6/6 pt kicked my ass, able to recoup, drug freeJ
Day 11 6/7 pirates game!. Went to burgh on good terms, so much fun, able to stuff beers and dogs like a champ
Day 12 6/8 scan day- hospital still makes me sick, some good ferracano hospitality able to wipe that away, lots of fuzzies on my headJ
Day 13 6/9 CANCER FREE on top of the world, great pt , so tired, two rounds bp, lift, swam laps in bits pool
Day 14 6/10 sore morning, WONDERFUL round of golf, so fun, starting to losen up,
Day 15 6/11 what a perfect day, woke up and worked out then finished up preparing, sunshine, love share with many many people, looking into their eyes and FEELING how happy they were for me, ate all evening, then went into my element, ninja swag<3 p.s. people complimenting my physique
Day 16 6/12 hung over and sore as fuck. Congrats grad, day off, round of golf
Day 17 6/13 woke up at noon after 11 hrs of DEEP sleep soreness still a bit present, time to get back of grind. Had a good run, actually RAN for first time
Dday 18 6/ 14 rough waking up at 8 for pt, good, hard session.
Day 19 6/ 15 surgery, no activity, might as well ride out the pain meds plus other mind alterers, salvation army trip
Day 20 6/16 drug aided 18 holes with Michael. Active recovery. WONDERFUL LUNCH
Day 21 6/ 17 18 holes, same concoction, better on drugs. Started to hit again. c103 SRU too many dudes and booze
Day 22 6/18 Hard three hour session with clayton, went real hard despite hangover. Then ate like a king at Daltons graduation party
Day 23 6/19 dads day, luxury box with smiths vs. indians, pleasant surprise for ole’ dad
Day 24 6/20 cancer society scramble, lots of fun, donation, shaved for first time lol
Day 25 6/21 grind
Day 26 6/22 grind
Day 27 6/23 rough walking nine, still not normal cardiovascular. Off to nicks awesome evening of unicorns, hookas and FOOD
Day 28 6/24 nice workout with nick, found a new level of hitting, really getting back to tcb, staying back and together. THEN AWESOME bo sox game, so much happiness, lesbians, burgers, beer, green, Ortiz, jolly roger.
Day 29 6/25 snuck in nice workout, better then none, WONDERFUL time with mason, joints are bothering me
Day 30 6/26 made It to church, THANK GOD, awesome aps, bless mr walters, 190!!!! Lets go grind out a nice day of baseball, joints hurt
Day 31 6/27 overslept pt, maybe a blessing, nice bike ride with mr walters, back to reality, praise go, got right with l. nice swim, doin me, and get business done
Day 32 6/28 AWESOME breakfast with Michael. Rearrange house, nice steve drill, oppo chi. Hard work out, then played outfield for first time, saw some good and some bad. First time straining to point of stomach hurt, yummy. Dove for a few balls, lovely golf with bitners, chill at fire with Michael
Day 33 6/ 29 insane pt workout, then light hit(sore shoulder)tough leg workout, ran to debbies 1st time!!!awesome round with bryan, driving straighter and furtherJ then best ever with alladin;)
Day 34 6/30 good hitting, golfing, grease passed away
Day 35 7/1 Grease
Day 36 7/2 barbaric beast mode, groggy and tired, wall, shoulder
Day 37 7/3 day off, beautiful day of church, rejoice in what we have,
Day 38 7?4 looking like self, eyes brows, day off,
Day 39 7/5 back at it, tired and groggy, center chi is off, not seeing, shoulder good, leg bad
Day 40 7/6 lonnnng day, rough 8 am pt, center chi not on, body tired, run down, struggling, hot 18 holes kicked my ass, still got in workout against will.
Day 41 7/7 grindage, ouch, nice hammock night.
Day 42 7/8 gotta reexamine self, start to take care of body, thanks Derek,. Body struggling, finding happy medium of pushing forward, yet not pushing too hard. She says I’m looking great. hair is coming, solid eye brows. Started swinging it well (light ash wood)
Day 43 7/9 body feels good, body, mind and soul starting to work as one again trusting what god has for me, not what I want for me.
Day 44 7/10 back whoops, must find "inard to outard level of synchronization"
Day 45 7/11 feeling out injury
Day 46 7/12 injury
Day 47-50 Michigan livin, hair is BEAUTIFUL
***
That summer was an exciting resurgence back to my purposeful daily activities as a college student and baseball player. As school commenced, the times were rolling; everyone was so fresh, and my story was the flavor of the month. By day I showed off my health on the diamond and my curious enthusiasm in the classroom. By night, my abundant appetite for a good time.
dd baseball player. As school commenced, the times were rolling; everyone was so fresh, and my story was the flavor of the month. By day I showed off my health on the diamond and my curious enthusiasm in the classroom. By night, my abundant appetite for a good time.
